Understanding a Transsexual Loved One

Written by Tamera Sheehan

Some Questions and Concerns

I have a relative (or friend) who is a Transsexual. Can you help by explaining some of the basic terminology?

Gender: This is the person’s self identity as either masculine or feminine. The foundation of this identity is the brain. Gender is not the same as the person’s sex 9or sexual genetalia) or sexual orientation.

Transgender: Any person whose self identified gender and activity is different from society’s expectations. They can range from Crossdressers, through Hermaphrodites, to Transsexuals.

Transsexual: This refers to a person who strongly feels his/her core gender is inconsistent with his/her physical sexual genetalia and the gender role assigned at birth. Furthermore, this person takes steps to bring this inconsistency into agreement.

Is Transsexuality just a modern phenomenon?

Transgendered people have existed throughout history. In fact, in many primitive societies, the Transgendered person was understood to have special knowledge. They were though to have an understanding of both male and female. They were gender gifted. They served as priests/shamans. Only with advances of medicine and coming of the Internet, did Transgender people, and their families, meet others like themselves. Slowly, the deep, dark secret, hidden by so many, became public.

How many Transsexual people are there?

No one is quite sure how many people are Transgendered. Some suggest 1 per every 30,000 adults. Others suggest that the actual number is much higher.

What is the portion of ‘Male to Female’ Transsexuals to ‘Female to male’ Transsexuals?

Recent evidence seems to suggest the ratio is about 50/50.

What causes Transsexualism?

Modern Research has discovered that the male and female brains develop differently in the womb due to the presence or absence of certain hormones. In some areas they vary significantly in size. Transsexualism happens in the womb, sometime between the 8^th and 24^th week of pregnancy, when the developing fetus does not receive the proper dosages of male hormones at the proper time. This causes the body of the fetus to develop as male. However, the brain does not develop fully as male. Part of it, more or less, remains female. Thus, Transsexuals suffer from a birth defect. They are really ‘Brain Hermaphrodites’. Being Transsexual is not a choice.

Why do Transsexuals discover this ‘disconnect’?

Many Transsexuals are certain they are members of the opposite sex as early as two years old. Others become aware of this disconnect during childhood, especially the teenage years when the hormones start flowing. The last few discover the condition in adulthood.

How does it feel to be a Transsexual?

Look at yourself in a mirror and imagine you see a person who is opposite all you understand yourself to be. Allow yourself to feel about it. Imagine doing this every day. How do you feel? Broken? Growing up in a world that will not even talk about the problem causes most Transsexuals to hide, deny and try to flee their condition. They feel a liar, dirty, sinful and confused. Everyday they feel alone, sad, and incomplete. A large number commit suicide.

What is the treatment for Transsexualism?

Early attempts to change the minds of Transsexuals to accept the gender which society has assigned to them, failed. It seems that it is impossible to change the ‘brain wiring’ or ‘brain sex’. A cure is available. It is possible to change the sex (genetalia) of the transsexual’s body to match the brain’s gender identity.

My friend says he/she is transitioning. What is that?

Transitioning is a period of time that usually begins with the Transsexual seeing a psychiatrist or gender counselor. After some time the person may choose to live fulltime as a member of the opposite sex for one or two years. This is called the ‘Real Life’ test. During this time the individual takes the hormones of the opposite sex and adopts an appropriate name. The transsexual may have some facial plastic surgery done to help him/her live as the male or female he/she is coming to be.

This period ends when one of three decisions are reached:

• The person decides to go back to his/her former self.
• The person has Sexual Reassignment Surgery, which changes the genetalia from one sex to that of the other.
• The person decides to continue living his/her life in this new gender identity without benefit of Sexual Reassignment Surgery.

Reassignment Surgery cure seems like mutilation!

For the average non-Transsexual, who likes his/her assigned gender, and feels whole, Sexual Reassignment Surgery would certainly be mutilation because it would make one less than whole. However, for someone who is ‘at war’ or ‘at odds’ with the very core of understanding of his/her being, this surgery is healing. For someone who feels profoundly broken and less than whole, such a surgery is a huge step toward wholeness. The Transsexual is simply taking necessary steps in order to live more comfortably in his.her body. All the Transsexual wants is to live life normally and fully.

The person I know seems to be disappearing!

It is natural for family members and friends to go through the steps of grief when a loved one goes through a gender change. At times it seems like the Transsexual loved one is disappearing. It is important to realize that your loved one is taking some large steps in personal growth. However, it is also important to remember that he/she is, in essencem remaining the same person. He/she has the same intelligence, sense of humor and personality as before. From your vantage point, all that has changed in your loved one is some physical (body) differences and the clothing. Do not let these externals become a barrier to enjoying the person inside it all.

Is there anything else I need to be aware of?

One would think that once a Transsexual has made a decision to change genders the hard part would be over. But that is often not the case. Thoughtless, cruel people often make it very hard. Many, even relatives and friends, will close their doors to your Transsexual friend/relative. He/she may face ridicule, loss of job and violence. The hole in the Transsexual’s core being must be very big to make this loved one willing to pay so steep a price.

What can I do to help?

There are many things you can do to help a loved one through transition. Fist, tell him/her of your support and of the open door. You could also inform yourself about Transsexualism. Ask your loved one for some books and pamphlets on the subject. Another big morale booster is for you to use your loved one’s new name. Even more important, is to use proper pronouns when referring to him/her/. This signals the loved one of your respect. It also tells him/her that you take his/her transition seriously. It could also be very important to continue your regular visits to each other. Not only is this supportive of your friend/relative, but it also helps you work through your feelings of discomfort. Finally, simply ask. ‘Is there anything I can do for you or to help you?’ You can help by being a caring, loyal cheerleader. Give your Transsexual loved one a big hug every now and then.

A good book on Transsexualism

‘True Selves’ Rounsley, Chloe and Brown, Mildred, Josset-Bass Publishers, San Francisco, California 1996