The Pain of Being a Transsexual

Written by Tamera Sheehan

Reasons For Self Demeaning 

How serious is the Transsexual’s lack of self-esteem?

Probably, more than any other group of people, Transsexuals suffer hostility and rejection from every direction and in every way. They find they must deal with the negative attitudes and hurtful words and actions of family, friends, co-workers, neighbors and church. The assault upon their well-being and self acceptance is constant and relentless, from pre-school, through adulthood and until death. No matter how hard they try, Transsexuals never seem to fit in. Estimates reveal about 50% of them commit suicide by the age of 30. It is, therefore no surprise that those who live long enough to seek help, are found to have a very low Self-Esteem?

What are the core causes of self-esteem?

Transsexuals are often convinced that it is their own fault that they are Transsexual. They are convinced they have this problem because they are morally corrupt. They weight this corruption exists because they made the wrong choices as a child. Many transsexuals vividly remember, that as early as ages two to three years old, they felt they had the wrong bodies. They were persons of one sex trapped in the bodies of the opposite sex. If asked why they think they are morally bad, many Transsexuals point to society and the church. Society’s taboos certainly weigh heavily on them. Even more hurtful is a non-supportive church. A great weight is removed from the Transsexuals’ shoulders when they are made aware that no moral fault is present. Modern science has discovered that Transsexualism establishes itself in the individual sometime between being in the womb and the age of two years old. This is before the child was capable of making choices. An even deeper contributing cause for the Transsexuals’ low self-esteem lies in their feeling of a lack of wholeness. Whether they talk about it as little ones, or at t later time, it is this feeling of not being whole that haunts them most. It is this realization that poisons every Transsexual to the very depth of his/her being.

Can you help non-Transsexuals to understand how devastated, broken and sad a a Transsexual always feels?

Non-Transsexuals can never fully understand how devastated, broken and sad Transsexuals feel every day of their lives. However, a little experiment, done at home, might shed some light. The non-Transsexual should go into his/her bathroom and look into the mirror at his/her reflection. (Non-Transsexuals are lucky because, they see what they see, matches what they feel and understand themselves to be in their mind. They can feel whole.) The non-Transsexual should now, with the help of his/her imagination picture him/herself in the mirror as the sex opposite what he/she truly knows him/herself to actually be. For example: If you are an athletic male, imagine you see your reflection in the mirror to be a soft gentle female. The self image in the back of your mind does not match the reality reflected in the mirror. You know you can never be what you know and feel you are, deep in your mind. You find your male self-identity trapped ina woman’s body. (Note: Reverse the image if you are a female). You know that fir another day the macho-man that you really are has to meet the cultural expectations of others and live the life of a soft, gentle, female. Take a minute and allow yourself to feel the confusion, sadness, brokenness and desperation. By the way, do not forget to include the belief that you are a moral failurem responsible for your condition. Further, you do not fit anywhere. Your whole life is a sham and you have to be careful in everything you do so that your secret is kept secret. This deep and constant dichotomy between what you see on the outside and who you know yourself to be on the inside makes the Transsexual feel that he/she is living a lie. This further isolates the individual and dampens his/her joy of life.

Give the best description you can as to how a Transsexual feels everyday of his/her life.

Transsexuals often say they fel lost and/or hopeless. One of the best descriptions I have discovered describes this conflict as: “An incredible, internal war, like constantly being at war with your own molecules.” (Rev. Erin Swanson)

How do Transsexuals try to cope and overcome?

Most Transsexuals, knowing that they do not fit in the cultural stereotypes, deny, hide, ignore or flee their condition. To prove they are normal, they often marry, and have children. Further, they work at jobs that match the gender which society sees and declares they are. For example: Male transsexuals choose to work in ‘male’ jobs such as: policemen, fireman, military, construction and clergy. They do this ‘to prove’ themselves that they are ‘normal’. They throw themselves into their work (school or job) and often become the ‘best’ in what they do. But these accomplishments are not lasting or satisfying in the face of the constant internal war. The pressure created by this no win situation leads a great many to crossdress. They do this when a ‘secret’ or ‘controlled’ opportunity arises. They do not crossdress for erotic purposes. Rather the crossdressing is an attempt to come into contact with and celebrate their true genders, their real selves deep with-in. Unfortunately, the crossdressing often leads to disgust of ones self.

What finally leads a Transsexual to suicide?

The non stop working also slowly takes it’s toll. For those who have not shared their secret with anyone, the burden of living a lie and the fear of discovery increases. Many who have opened themselves to others, often find themselves betrayed and have to face rejection by the people with whom they have trusted and shared their pain. They also often discover they have trusted and shared their pain. They also often discover they have been erroneously misunderstood and falsely labeled. All this, and more, leads to deepening depression, despiration, hopelessness and finally suicide. Fortunately for some, when a major crisis occurs, some seek professional help and get it. Then the healing begins.

The Pain and Hope Found In Healing

What is it like after the Transsexual has entered counseling and begun Transition to the Opposite Sex?

Transsexuals soon learn that the physical path of Sex Reassignment Surgery is the least hurtful of any they have to endure. Greater pain assaults them in the form of: Divorce, lost jobs, reduced income, ignorance, ridicule and sometimes even violence and death. Family and friends often see the steps toward wholeness as steps of immortality and personal disintigration and they close their doors and their hearts. Slowly many Transsexuals come to realize that what awaits them is a sexually celibate life and a life of aloneness. However, many Transsexuals also discover that they can handle this and so much more because now they feel whole.

What do Transsexuals want from the world?

Transsexuals are aware that their change in gender presentation is confusing to some and outrageous to others. But they do not intend it to be so. They want nothing more than the non-Transsexuals.

First: They want to live life quietly, peacefully and with dignity.

Second: They ask that people take the time to get to know them.

Third: They ask everyone to LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY!

Fourth: If you must use a label, call them, “Children of God’.

Resource for this article

Blake, John, War Inside of One’s Self Is Incredible, Living, July 2000, SJC Newspaper Online, Ó 2000 Cox Interact. Media.

Ebner, Mrs. Jeanne, Transsexualism: Information for the family, J2CP Information Services, 1986

Knegt, Monique de, The hormone Doctrine of Professor Gooren, date unknown.