A Guide to Parenting a Transgender Child

The last thing a transgendered child or adults wants to do is cause pain for their loved ones. The more dearly they love and are loved by those special to them, the harder it is for them to ‘Come Out’ (tell about their being Transgender – usually Transsexual status. However, forced by a need for wholeness which they can no longer deny, they find they must risk everything. Rejection by the ones most loved ones is devastating.

Transgender is an ‘Umbrella Term’ coined to describe all those who, in some way, do not fit the usual cultural expectations of gender identity. They would include Transsexuals, Crossdressers and Intersexuals.

A Great Mystery - Why me? I did not volunteer for a Transgendered child.

There are some things for which there are just is no ready answers available. However, people with faith find some consolation.

First: They have hope because they firmly believe that God will never give them more than they can handle.

Second: They find some purpose because they also believe that the Creator would not have placed such children in their care, unless he knew that they were able to love and accept them! They see themselves raising their Transgendered offspring to become the unique reflections of the Divine they were meant to be!

Normal But Flawed Responses - What are some normal but flawed Parent responses?

Being the patient of a transgendered offspring is a hard job. So it is not unusual for such people to get off to a rocky start.

It has often been observed that when a child goes public, (comes out of the closet), the parents often go into the closet. They hide because this newly discovered situation is embarrassing to them. Furthermore, many become fearful of what family and friends will think of them for having such an unusual child. Parents feel this, no matter how young or old their offspring is.
Most parents address their child’s transgender problem by fusrt examining their own past words and actions. They often wrongly assume that something they said or did started the child’s problem.

Still others handle the problem as a phase and ignore it, hoping that it will go away. They often fear facing error filled stereotypes.

Other parents are very aware of how important it is ‘to fit in’ the world, but thy also want their children to be able to stand alone. In trying to find a balance, they often find themselves vacillating from being too restrictive, to granting too much freedom of expression.

Finally, some worry about the teasing the ‘odd child out’ will receive. They encourage too much, the childs’ involvement in culturally appropriate activities. For example: A father insists that his son excel in football, the child may resist or just go through the motions.

Behind all these parental and offspring concerns is FEAR! All FEAR that they will lose each other in the process of change. This leads each one to struggle through the Steps of Grief. In proper order they are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Acceptance. While working thru the stages, depression becomes a constant companion.

Avoid Feeling the Shame: It often noted that some parents ‘climb into the closet’ just as their child is seeking to climb out. They do this because they worry about what others might think. They become ashamed of their child. If a child thinks his/her parents are ashamed of him/her, this is devastating!
Avoid Blaming the Child: Some patents deny any personal responsibility and blame the child for the condition.
Avoid Humiliating the Child: Some (often fathers with sons) handle the problem by humiliation. Remember, gender makes up about 90% of one’s personality. If this is squelched, then self esteem dies.
Avoid Loving Conditionally: Some parents withdraw their love and support unless their child reforms. The tells the child he/she is unlovable.

Positive Parental Guidance - How can parents of TS children bring healing?

Fifteen Aids that Will Help You Deal With Transsexuality

Beware: Most ‘common sense advice’ is either useless or harmful.
Respect: The Uniqueness of the child.
Accept: Accept your child and his/her Transsexuality as a unique gift, not a problem. Try to see your child as gender gifted.
Androgony: Unisex is a way of walking the middle line. Encourage unisex and/or bigendered presentation, where possible.
Compromise: Parent and child each give a little and take a little.
Communicate: Listen to each other and try to feel like the other.
Be Patient: Nothing big is accomplished in a day.
Be a Compassionate Friend: The word ‘Compassion’, is made from two latin words. ‘cum’ and ‘passio’. They mean ‘To Suffer With’.
Have a Sense of Humor: Sometimes laughter is the best medicine.
Seek Professional Help: As needed.
Help: The child develop self-esteem.
Teach Social Skills: Show how to navigate the social scene.
Educate Yourself: Join support groups and read.
Seek Professional Help: As needed.
Pray: With the help of God all things are possible.

A great deal of pain can be avoided, once one realizes that Transgenderism (especially Transsexuality) is an almost totally biological condition. It is a birth defect that is rooted in the womb, before birth. It is the fault of neither parents nor the offspring. It challenges each and everyone of us: - TO LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY-

Moir, Anne, Ph.D., and Jessel, David, Brain Sex: The Real Difference Between Men and Women. Very highly recommended!! It has interesting explanations of how and why things may have occurred. It also focuses upon the theory that gender identify develops from conception with the pairing of parental chromosomes.

Ettner, Randi, Confessions of a Gender Defender: A psychologist’s Reflection on Life Among the Transgendered. Helpful insight on the Transgender condition.

Howey, Noelle and Samuelsm Ellen, Eds., Out of the Ordinary: Essays on Groweing Up with Gay, Lesbian, and Transgender parents.